Listen, Tuscan Pizza isn’t here to judge. But if you prefer frozen pizza over fresh ingredients, hand made pizza we are certainly going to judge you.
It not just that frozen pizza tastes like cardboard, and thus you must like the taste of cardboard, but it’s also that frozen pizza is loaded with sodium. It’s simply not as healthy as a fresh made pie. Not only that, what is the point of making frozen pizza when you can just as quickly have our drivers deliver it?
Please pizza gods, help us convert these people from their strange frozen diets. Now, let’s discuss this travesty in greater depth below.
The Frozen Pizza Conundrum:
Look, there isn’t anything “real” about frozen pizza. No matter how often you see commercials saying how people can’t believe it’s DiGiorno’s, you can’t trick pizza lovers like us. Our customers are real people and love real pizza. Those actors they have preaching their frozen wickedness is exactly that: actors.
I don’t know about you, but when I think of frozen pizza I think of crust that is exceedingly firm on the bottom and grossly doughy on top. They may try really really hard to be real pizza, but there’s no way our customers would chose this over handcrafted-to-perfection pizza.
There’s an argument to be had that frozen pizza is simply faster to make than ordering a fresh hot pie and having it delivered. If you think that’s true, you certainly never had motorhead Marco deliver your pizza before. That man can boogie and he’ll have your pizza there in a hurry.
But we get it. Your family is hungry and you need something in a hurry. If this is the case, we recommend you order ahead and ask to have your food delivered by a certain time. Call Thursday and ask to have your food delivered Friday at 6:30pm. It’s that easy and we’ll make sure your food arrives on time.
What Goes Into A Frozen Pie:
Based on what people tell us, because we wouldn’t actually degrade our tastebuds by eating frozen pizza ourselves, frozen cheese is salty and elastic. So basically it tastes like rubber (something we did actually try once. . . it was a dare). The sauce is “slimy” at worst and “bland” at best. When I think of pizza, generally the word slimy never once enters my mind. Beautiful. Heavily. Amazing. These are all words that are associated with Tuscan Pizza. Slimy, never.
Maybe even worse is the presentation – if that’s what we can call it. Unlike our pizza, which again is handcrafted, frozen pizza always appears to be handled by a hyperactive child with an Easy Bake Oven. Here at Tuscan Pizza we take our time to create homemade red sauce, frozen pizza companies meanwhile use giant stock pots and massive ladles.
What Happened When We Purchased A Frozen Pizza to Examine it Closely?
Our crack research team, which is actually just Marco buying the frozen pizza in between deliveries, decided to take a closer look at our frozen “competitors.”
To say we were aghast would be an overstatement. Why? Because we fully expected the worst to happen and that’s pretty much what we got. Once heated, the frozen pie became pizza soup – which to be honest was pretty funny to look at. It was a combination of runny tomato sauce and grease slop. Piled on top of this mess were discs of thick pepperoni. Half a roll of paper towels later and the grease was all but removed. Then again, so was the sauce and cheese. It quickly divulged into a messy goop that clearly deserved nothing but our trashcan.
This isn’t to say that all frozen pizza deserves to be thrown into the trash upon purchase. . . okay yea we are saying exactly that. The next time you go to buy a frozen pizza out of your local supermarket, do yourself a favor and call Tuscan Pizza. Say hi to the owner and pizza extraordinaire Miguel while you’re at it. He loves interacting with his customers.
Until next time,
The Tuscan Pizza Team